Skill: Harnessing Expectations

The strangest thing about the skill of expectation is that we are never really taught about them, at all. Yet we not only have them but they are probably the single most powerful force that drives our decisions and our well being. If you need to brush up on understanding where expectations come from please review this great article: Expectations: Where do they come from?

First, and most importantly, in order to harness expectations, we need to view them clearly. If life hums along perfectly and relationships are stellar then there is a really good chance that our expectations are:

Healthy Expectations: Presumes we treat ourselves well and expect others to do the same.

Shared Expectations: The other person treats themselves well and has the ability to do the same in all of their relationships.

If, like most of us, there are some challenges in our relationships the fastest way to change the challenge is to review our own perceptions, beliefs and ultimately our expectations about relationships. To quote one of the articles below, “expectations kill gratitude.” In other words, if we expect someone to play nice and then they throw sand instead, we have an extra-large reaction because it’s like getting hit twice. First, we were shocked, surprised, disappointed at the bad behavior, that we didn’t EXPECT. Then there is the blow that hit us that causes literal and/or emotional pain. 

Here is how I had to learn this lesson. My Dad is like an M&M. Soft in the middle but has a hard shell on the outside. I have a commitment to myself, in my life, to have joy and happiness in EVERY DAY. So I bring my happy self everywhere I go. Everyone knows they can share their pain with me and often I can assist with the easing of those pains. But my Dad, I arrive as my happy self and instead of being honest with me, allowing his pains to flow so I might assist, he stews and brews and the happier I am, the more miserable he becomes. It took YEARS before I caught on to the pattern and a whole lot more years to figure out what to do about it. Turns out all I needed to do was to take my list of expectations:

“I’m going to help him.”

He’ll feel/be better if I…”

“Why is he so mean to me?”

And harness/redirect my expectations into something healthier. Turns out a series of rules for myself did the trick:

1. I’m going to visit my dad and the max time is 2 hours.
2. I’m willing to travel with my Dad but I always need my own car or ability to leave when I want to leave.
3. He can be in whatever mood he wants, it’s not my mood and I don’t need to be around it.
4. I know for sure he will always love me and I will NOT allow him to behave badly around me and my family.

While sometimes these things are wildly inconvenient, they preserve our sanity. I have accepted that I am VERY annoying to him, but it doesn’t matter to me anymore. I have a commitment to myself and my family that overrides everyone else’s expectations.

Expectations are the loaded weapon in relationships. If I set my expectations incorrectly anywhere in my life it is like walking around with a loaded weapon and watch out because NO ONE should be walking around ready to explode. I have spent VERY many years learning how to unload my emotional weapons and harness my expectations so they don’t blow up on myself, my family and my world. I hope this helps someone else be able to do the same. 

Advanced Material on Expectations:

Expectations Shape Relationships Research Results